After a super positive planned section with my first (breech presentation), whenever I found out I was pregnant at 9 months post partum I instantly decided I would have another section due to the smaller window birth to birth and how well I got on post partum last night. As I chatted to my delightful midwife she gently got me thinking about a VBAC. I’m quite an “all or nothing” person and realised the only way I could mentally prepare for a VBAC was to shake that mentality and develop a bit of psychological flexibility. From the very start I said that even if I get a trail of labour – I’m going to be so proud of myself. The goal was having my baby, not a VBAC.
I did a good amount of research but a lot of it was quite Americanised and not super applicable to our NHS system and available options.
I did Karen’s antenatal day course at 37weeks pregnant (it’s never too late!!) and found it so incredibly helpful – she was able to break down preparing for birth, labour&delivery and post partum options for our exact services so well. Her pre-course questionnaire I explained I was aiming for a VBAC so she was able to give me specific advice on options available to me specifically which I found really helpful. I came away so empowered and informed re: my birth preferences and kick started me into “birth prep mode”.
I started by making a vision board, of positive affirmations, photos of things that get my oxytocin flowing (my husband, daughter and dog) and some little bits of anatomical visualisations. I’m an anatomist & physiotherapist so visualisations of roses opening weren’t going to do it for me. After hearing Karen speak to passionately about the physiology of birth; I lent into that and my visualisations included imagining the muscles of the uterus contracting and visualising each breath carrying oxygen rich blood to my baby supplying her with energy to do this. It reminded me that this pain had a purpose and it was just my body doing its glorious thing so effectively.
Baby girl decided she was very comfy in my womb and I had decided by 41 weeks I would like to be induced. I can’t say I tried a lot of home remedies to kick start induction, because I knew that would leave me frustrated that they “weren’t working” and wanted to lean into the fact baby would arrive when she wanted. It came to 41weeks and I decided I’d wanted a few more days. I chatted to my midwife and obstetrician and because I was informed of the risks and benefits with a level head, it agreed to allow me to go to 40+10days. I continued to stay calm, keep moving as much as I could while resting in between and soaking up every last moment with my husband and daughter over Christmas as a family of 3.
Turns out our little girl only needed one more day. At 40+8 my waters broke at home, it was very exciting but I had always said I wanted to labour at home as long as possible so didn’t get too hyped up. I soon realised there was meconium in my waters and knew this could potentially changed the script a bit, that I would likely need to be induced or have a planned section. I had a brief panic that I hadn’t researched “meconium in waters” in depth but stopped and realised I still had my intuition, using the BRAIN analogy Karen taught us I thought through my options and knew by the time I got to the hospital that I wanted to ask to trail labour without induction first.
When we arrived at hospital I had an examination and was 2cm, it was decided I would be given 4 hrs before induction was started. While awaiting the delivery room I got my tens machine set up, Karen had explained that it’s best to set this up early almost before you need it. I was then taken to my delivery room and my husband took to action becoming the “guardian of oxytocin” which we had learnt about in Karen’s course, he made sure I was comfortable, requested a birthing ball and mat and got the electric tea lights out. I chatted to the midwife who would be assisting me, chatted through my birth preferences and explained my desire for a VBAC but also was flexible to whatever came before me. and The surges started to ramp up slightly so I knew I needed to start getting focused. I put my headphones on and started to listen to the Freya App, I had asked my mum to record positive birthing affirmations for me – it was SO soothing hearing my mums voice, right inside my head telling me I could do this. I also had recorded some words to my daughter and was listening to that on repeat. I knew I wanted to be able to move as much as I could during labour so requested the wireless CTG however they were unable to get them working. I chose not to panic at this moment and decided I would use the space I could to move within the limits I had been given. I spent most of the next 4 hours changing positions with the exercise ball, to help keep baby girl is a good postion. I had also screenshotted some “partner assisted positions” I had seen on instagram and sent them to my husband, so he was able to prompt me re: changing positions and offer advice. I found being as close to him really helpful when things ramped up. I kept repeating the mantras I had said hundreds of times to myself during pregnancy and it really seemed to help.
4 hrs passed and I was due another VE, I found them quite uncomfortable before so I requested some gas and air, I was 4cm. As this was progression, it was decided I didn’t need to have any induction and I was thrilled. After this I think I allowed my body to properly relax and went really into my zone, I continued to use the gas and air at this point to help during the peak of surges. As I was leaning over the birthing ball they kept losing track of the trace so was asking to lie on the bed. I knew that I really didn’t want to spend any time lying on my back on the bed so requested I just sit up on my ball and try that, thankfully they were able to get a better trace. As I was really in my zone I don’t remember a lot of what happened here but knew I was really listening to my body, visualising the cells of my uterine muscles overlapping with every contraction, reminding myself I was safe and secure.
90 mins later i requested an epidural (which I had said I was open to in my birth preferences) little did I know I was in transition and I was so close to meeting my baby girl. They made sure that the pain I was feeling wasn’t along my scar – the one thing I was scared about was them continually asking re: scar pain and it adding fear of uterine rupture into my experience, but I was able to stay calm and explain it wasn’t. They asked me to get onto the bed to perform a VE when I lay down I felt myself involuntarily pushing – I will never forget the feeling, I think it surprised everyone. The VE confirmed I was 10cm and ready to go. I knew that I didn’t went to push on my back to asked if I could go on all fours, the midwife raised the head of the bed and I leant over it. I had remembered Karen talking about opening the pelvic outlet by bringing your ankles out beyond your knees. The midwife kept asking me to open my legs more, which I did, but was mindful to keep my ankles hooked over the edge of the bed always a little wider. The midwife asked if I wanted coaching with the pushing but I was aware I wanted to really listen to my body and go with whatever I was feeling in terms of pushing sensations. After a while, I was getting tired and baby’s heart rate was increasing so I was asked to lie on my back and asked if would accept some coaching for pushing to which at that point I knew I had tried my best and was happy to take some direction. In hindsight I think I should have maybe eased up on the gas and air and I would’ve had a clearer head to follow direction of down breathing – but I’d never done this before so am being gracious with myself. After a while of pushing and back to back contractions, I getting more tired I was offered an episiotomy and forceps delivery, I requested 2 more chances to push my baby out and then I’d know I had given it my all. After those pushes, hearing the best cheerleaders in the world cheering me on, I accepted the intervention. At this point i said “so I don’t need to have a section?!” . I felt such a sense of calm as knew I had done everything I could and needed the extra help, I was ready to meet by baby. My midwife was so respectful of my birth preferences and reminded me that I had requested to see my baby girls head come out via a mirror, I accepted and once her head was out I was able to see it: it was the most mental, gloriously beautiful sight I’ve ever seen. I was encouraged to push when I could feel my body pushing and it made me feel so powerful. Not too long after I had my baby girl in my arms and it was the best feeling ever. Tony was able to cut the cord and we had uninterrupted skin to skin for a couple of hours, including her first feed. Unfortunately I lost a significant amount of blood but I was kept really informed of such and because I was in a state of mental calmness it wasn’t a trigger for panic.
Recovery has definitely looked more different to what I expected, in some ways more difficult than a section, in some ways less. But, I will always be proud of myself for following my gut and trying. I surprised myself that even though these memories are hazy, and you go into another wee world during labour, I was always very aware of what I felt was right for my body and my baby. I really feel this was down to being prepared and informed re: birth and my birth preferences before hand. I had Karen’s “all births are powerful” tote bag in my bedroom leading up to the birth and every time I looked at it I took a deep breath and reminded myself “I can do this” and I think it really helped solidify this empowerment. I also filled her bag with plenty of post birth goodies which is very necessary!!
I genuinely believe Karen’s course, the content it included and the passion she exuded really stuck with me in the run up to birth, during birth and beyond!